Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Thou Shalt Not Say: Part Three ... with the worst one yet...

By now, you know that my Husband has a sick and cruel sense of humour and that during my pregnancy that sense of humour has often come at the expense of my ever changing body. So, here we are just 44 short days away from my due date and I have compiled, yet again, a list of the wonderfully insensitive jokes hubby has made over the past weeks. And get ready for it, because the last comment on the list, just may be the funniest (and most horrible) one yet!

It's a good thing I know without a doubt that my Dude thinks I'm beautiful or else I would probably be curled up in a cave by this point. But I'm not ... because we joke, and we tease, and we laugh, and that's just the way it goes around here.

So, here you have it:

"I'm just looking at all the lumps on your body."


"I can't decide which part of you jiggles the most lately."

As I am relaxing in the bath tub:

"Hm, wow. Those boobs seem to be getting closer and closer to your arm pits lately."

As I am laying in bed reading before bed:

"Why are you wearing those tiny underwear again?"

"These aren't the 'tiny underwear'. These are the biggest one's I've got."

"Oh yikes. I think you need to go shopping."

Of course, we can't forget his favorite song to sing to me lately ...

"Chunky. Chunky. Chunky. I like 'em big, I like 'em chunky chunky chunky. I like 'em big, I like 'em plumpy. I like 'em round with something, something."

Over the past week, I have started to notice that my belly is dropping a little bit. Apparently, the Dude has noticed, too. He often comes up behind me, puts his hand under my belly, jiggles it and says,

"Why is this big old thing droopin' so low?"

He also makes sure to let me know when my tummy is sticking out the bottom of my shirt ... which is has been more often than not lately.

And now ... the one that takes the cake:

One on of the very hottest days we've had so far, I was standing in the kitchen eating a snack wearing only one of his T-shirts and Undies (don't judge - that's actually more than I wear around the house a lot of the time) and he takes a look at me and says,

"I see you're getting some stretch marks there on your legs that weren't there before."

"Those have always been there. I have had them since I was like 20 when I traded my teenage body for my adult body."

"Oh. I guess I never noticed them before. They must just be more visible now that they are on those thunder thighs."

So what do you think, do I have enough material to write my book yet?

18 comments:

d.a.r. said...

Yeah, um pretty sure Z would be sleeping in the guest room for any one of those comments!! You must have thicker skin than I do, I am too dang sensitive!

Melissa said...

Oh my gosh!! Haha. DD says those things to me and I'm NOT pregnant :) Men!

This Texas Momma said...

Ummm, I think right before you go into labor ya'll should have a freaky friday experience so that he has to give birth with no drugs just for all of that. Ha!

Kayla said...

Haha... O wow. they haven o idea do they! :-) Gotta love em anyway!

Jackie said...

Ouch....good thing your keeping it all written down. :)

Emily said...

Oh I feel for your poor hubby... payback (one day) will be bad.

Tricia said...

I.Have.No.Words.

Lucky in Love said...

Oh he's so loving... :)

Katie said...

You.are.kidding. Wow, I would die. Seriously?

Even though I'm sure he's playing around a little bit, would you make sure to tell him to avoid any remarks at.all.costs like that after you ahve the baby? your emotions will be all over the place, and comments like that might cut to the core. Maybe talk about it ahead of time??

Declan never dared said a word to me. Haha. I would have bit his head off. Although, he did have some nerve going and losing 15+lbs during the course of my pregnancy! No sympathy weight from him.

Laura said...

Hahaha! Ya its definitely a good thing you know he's kidding! Andrew says some things to me too about my ever-growing body...some days I laugh and some days I am just NOT in the mood! lol. Hormones...

Hillary (First Yr Wife) said...

You must be the best wife ever for letting those comments slide! I swear I'd kick my husband's butt for some of those!

Gina said...

You have a much better sense of humor than me!

abbie said...

Yeah you must have a better sense of humor, more patience or you make fun of him about stuff and just don't tell blog world! My husband would have been DONE! Sleeping on the couch, eating whatever he could make himself, doing all the worst chores and any other punishment I could have possibly thought of kind of DONE! Good luck with the last 44 days and PLEASE write a "What NOT to say to your pregnant wife" book!

Shaina said...

Dear Evan,
I love you.
Love,
Shaina

Colby and Joanna said...

Ha! I love all of these posts...something tells me I'll be in the same boat with my hubby in the future- he thinks he's so hilarious! And I must admit, he really is. It's good that you two can laugh together and not take life too seriously!

SnoWhite said...

oh.my.goodness.

I must make sure FP reads these before we decide to have kids... he must learn what NOT to say!

Praise the Lord for your confidence... I'd be curled up under a rock.

Carey said...

HA! You cannot MAKE that stuff up! You poor thing -- tell your hubs to back off. After all, if he was growing another human being, I'm sure he wouldn't be all roses either :)

Brittany Ann said...

Oh heavens! FD better be lucky you have a great sense of humor! I think Patrick and I would be on the outs for weeks if he dared to talk about my thighs!