Monday, June 28, 2010

Thou Shalt Not Say: Part Two

Remember a few months back when I posted a list of all of the charming things my hubby had said to me in the first few months of my pregnancy? Don't think that the lack of "Part Two" serves as an indication that he has stopped with the lovely comments. I'm sorry to say that he hasn't stopped. I have just been a slacker at recording them. Plus, many of his best comments relate to my lady parts in a way that I am not comfortable speaking of on this PG blog.

Regardless, here are a few gems that have sprung forth from the mouth of my husband over the past little while.

As we're arguing about who should and should not have a bedtime snack...

Me: "Give me a break! I'm eating for two".
Him: (As he pats my bum) "Looks to me like you're eating for a lot more than that."

As I am looking in the mirror examining the new found stretch marks on my thighs...

Me: "Ugh. Are my thighs starting to look really fat?
Him: - Long pause - "You haven't been getting out walking as much lately, eh?"

As we're driving home from our last prenatal class...

Me: "So, have you started to think about what you're going to get me as a push present?"
Him: "I gave you the present when I put that baby in you. But, actually, I think I will get you some pads that cover you from arsehole to breakfast".

**Here he was referring to the maternity sized sanitary napkins that our prenatal instructor suggesting we stock up on for the first few weeks postpartum. And, he also claims that "from arsehole to breakfast" is an actual expression. I don't believe him.

As he comes home one day to find that I'm wearing a non maternity camisole because my maternity camis are all in the wash. In fact, the non maternity cami I was wearing was one of my longest ones pre-pregnancy. He takes one look at me.

Him: "Why are you wearing that shirt? You're going to stretch it to pieces."

As I put on one of my favorite nighties, that has three buttons down the front ...

Him: "That's a great nightie. It's going to make a perfect milkin' shirt when the baby comes."

As we were going to bed one night, I was trying to convince him that we should start trying to get used to sleeping on the opposite sides of the bed, because his side is closer to the baby's room and where the bassinet will be in our room and I think it will be easier for me to get up in the night without having to crawl around him every time. So, I finally convinced him, and we tried laying down on opposite sides of the bed than normal.

Him: "You're going to be sorry you did this."
Me: "Why?"
Him: "Because if we switch sides like this for good, I'm never going to get up in the night with the baby. You are going to have to get up every time."
Me: "Well, I'm sure that's the way it's going to go anyway. Unless you're going to breastfeed the child."
Him: "Well, I was planning on it. But now that you've done this, I'm not even going to try."

Thank you, my dear Fabulous Dude, for ensuring that I never take life too seriously.

19 comments:

...::Heather @ Mrs. Southern Bride::... said...

Oh my goodness!! LOL! Terrible!

Brooke said...

you're a more patient wife than me. i'd have had a nervous breakdown if jay said those things to me!

Sarah said...

SO FUNNY!!! Men have no filter!

Jessica said...

HAHA... I can't even imagine the non PG things he has said!

Gwen said...

LMAO!!! He's quite the funny man isn't he. :) XOXO

Laura said...

Hahaha. Love it. My husband says things like that all the time too! The other day I asked him if he wanted me to read his "Expectant Father" book out loud to him so he knows what to expect in the 6th month of my pregnancy. His response..."I know what to expect, you're going to get annoying and bigger". lol. He's lucky I know he's trying to be funny (but let's face it...its true!).

By the way, since your husband won't be breastfeeding the baby you should tell him that statistics show men change diapers faster than women by 30 seconds - 1 minute (I don't remember what the exact number was, but it was between there) so that will be his job! It will save time....well...approximately 6-12 minutes a day...but during that time you could be napping!

Amy Silver said...

OMG these are hilarious!! Luckily, you don't seem like an overly self conscious lady, haha. Oh, you know if men had to carry the babies, there would be WAY less babies and a LOT more complaining :) By the way, I think you jinxed me when you asked if I was having aches and pains, because last night I had the WORST pains from my lower stomach to my legs! haha.

SnoWhite said...

oh man... you've given me a taste of things to come :)

Hillary (First Yr Wife) said...

Oh man, I hope you at least gave him a few dirty looks. ;)

Shaina said...

Reading this was just as funny as when you told me the first time. Please send Evan my love. :)

d.a.r. said...

I'm sorry, are you sure you aren't married to my husband?? This sounds like exactly what he would say.

Mandi @ Finding Home said...

Oh my gosh, I laughed right outloud at that guy! I agree with Sarah who said that "men have no filter". Sheesh!

This Texas Momma said...

Lord have mercy. E, it's a good thing we aren't neighbors cause there is a good chance I'd put my duct taping skills to good use on your mouth son. At least we get a laugh out of it, and I'm sure he would tell us laughing helps us burn some calories or something!

Tricia said...

Wow! I think that about covers it.
That boy. My goodness.

Kristen @ ladybug-blessings.com said...

haha that is too hilarious!! Glad you can laugh and are taking note of what he says!

Holly said...

Oh my goodness! Funny guy (rolling my eyes here). You can get back at him after the baby is born by keeping it a secret that the midwife has given you the go ahead to resume "relations". ;)

Lucky in Love said...

You two really need to come visit again. Ha!

Jackie said...

Too funny!

I was always the one to get up with Peanut. DH couldn't feed her for obvious reasons and plus I felt bad, b/c he was the one that had to get up and go to work. I could take a nap during the day, but not him. :)

Taryn said...

You are one strong woman- my feelings were almost hurt just reading what he said! Good for you. = )