it makes it okay.

It’s been about a month since I began the transition from full time SAHM to part time working mom. Funny how when this happens, you don’t suddenly become a part time mom. Rather, you are still a full time mom and you just have to figure out how and where to add employment into your life, fitting it around your duties as wife/mom as best you can.

I’ll have to admit, in the weeks leading up to my return to work, I was scurrrrrrred. I had no idea how I’d find the balance between work life and home life. I didn’t know how I would feel about leaving Evalyn with someone. I didn’t know how Evalyn would do away from me. If you read my whiny posts, you’ll know that I was struggling. Of course, just like any situation in my life that I worry about, looking back I realize there wasn’t much to worry about. So far, the transition has gone very well. I’m thankful that my work load has increased (and will continue to increase) gradually. I was able to dip my toes in and slowly wade in rather than taking a huge belly flop of the high dive.

What I’ve learned is that there are some things that have made my transition to work okay. Some things that have really, really helped and, believe it or not, even made me look forward to and enjoy the challenge.

I mean, first of all, and obviously, having a second income has been a definite bonus. But that’s not what I’m talking about. There are other things that make it okay.

I have loved, absolutely loved, getting to choose real person clothes to wear to work every day. I don’t have a dress code at work. I can wear sweat pants and a tshirt if I want. But I choose to look a little better than that because it’s one of the few times that I can. I don’t usually do dress pants, often jeans, but I like to make myself look (somewhat) put together. It’s fun being able to pick out outfits that I don’t have to worry if I can nurse discreetly in, or if the snot that Evalyn wipes on my shoulder will show up, or if she’ll strangle me when she pulls on my necklace 45825 times in the first three minutes after I put it on. It’s nice to be excited about style.

Another thing that makes it okay is having a kid who has done so very well with the transition. She hasn’t gotten upset when I leave her yet. She has napped well almost every time she’s been away from me. She goes to bed just fine for Evan, my mom, her aunties, the girls upstairs – no one has ever had an issue putting her to bed. She flips back and forth from sippy cup of cow’s milk to nursing like it’s no big deal. My worries about how she would do without me? Ha. Enough said.

Right now, she’s spending most of my work days with one of my best friends. Can I tell you how much more at ease I am knowing that she in the hands of someone who I would trust with my own life? I know that C knows Evalyn’s schedule, habits, likes, dislikes, and habits almost as well as I do. She has spent a lot of time with her since we see her multiple times per week, even before she started watching her. She knows when to put her down early, or keep her up a bit longer. She knows just how much fussing is okay before going in to check her. She knows her favourite toys, songs and games. She just knows her. And that? That makes leaving her 100% easier.

And, of course, the last thing that I’ve found that makes it okay is getting to experience the excitement Evalyn shows when I pick her up. Before I started working, I was rarely away from her during the day. Most of the time when I , went out, it was in the evening. Either after she went to bed or for dinner or what not, which meant she’d be sleeping when I got home. And, you know, by morning time, she doesn’t remember that I was away the night before. Now? When I get to C’s to pick her up, she remembers that she missed me. I get a little taste of the excitement she shows when Evan gets home from work each night. She smiles, laughs, sometimes claps her hand and boogies her little tooshie over to me to give me a hug and cling to me like I am the most prized possession in the world. And that feeling? It makes it okay.

Getting it together…

In one month from today, I will relinquish my title as full time SAHM. I’m going back to my position as a teaching assistant and marker grader in the department where I completed my undergrad and graduate degrees. I will be working part time, and a good deal of my work will be able to be done from home, yet it is still going to require some adjusting.

Back in January, when Eva was 3.5 months old, I took a very very part time position. At that point, I was responsible for leading 2 seminars, which worked out to about 10 hours per week. This year, I will have 5 seminars under my charge and will be the marker grader for 3 other courses. My contract will be for 25-30 hours a week. Some weeks I will have much less work than that, and some weeks, more. The way it works is that my contract is spread out evenly over the academic year, so I am paid the same amount each week, no matter how heavy the load is at that particular time during the semester. Near the beginning, all I will have is prep work and actually leading the seminars. As the semester progresses, the grading will start coming in and things will be b.u.s.y.

I am blessed because our child care arrangements have worked out better than I ever imagined. To begin, Evalyn is going to be staying with my girlfriend, C-Biscuit, who is expecting her own little one in December. This means that the adjustment will take place with someone Eva is already comfortable with, she’ll be at a house she’s familiar with, and my worries will be eased. Once C-Biscuit feels as though she is too, ahem, rotund, to continue caring for my baby (who will be a gigantic toddler by then!!), and/or when I reach a busy point in the semester where I need childcare more often than just when I have to be in seminar, we’ll make the switch to day care. At first I thought it would be a breeze to find childcare for just a few hours a week. But, since we don’t really have any family in the area who is able to help during the day, it actually made it more difficult because keeping a kid for just a few hours a week isn’t really worth it for most daycare providers. Thankfully, I found a daycare that is, literally, two minutes away from our house, which is run by a girl I went to high school with. She is very relaxed so I am able to take Eva as little or as much as possible, depending on the amount of work I need to do each given week. Some weeks, I’ll only need her to go for two half days. Some weeks, I’ll probably need three full days. It’s not often you find a place with that flexibility. What a blessing!

All of this is to say that in the next month, I need to get my act together as we prepare for these changes in our family. I’ve been a bit nervous about how I am going to manage splitting my time between work and home/family – especially since the two will overlap quite a bit. How will I get all my work done without taking away from the time that Evalyn needs me? How will I manage the housework, the work work, the mom work, the wife work, the secretary work and so on? It’s not like any of the responsibilities I have right now will disappear. I’ve had a few moments of slight panic attacks and my dear husband attempts to calm me – reminding me that I tend to thrive under pressure and stress and that when I’m busy, I’m productive. He is certain that I will quickly get into a groove and settle into a new normal. That being said, he also knows that he will have to pick up some of my slack around the house, take on a little more of the childcare, and become more organized in terms of time and communication.

And I know the areas I need to make changes in. I need to become more organized with menu planning and grocery shopping. Some mealtimes will be rushed. Some evenings I won’t be home to cook or eat or clean up, or all of the above. Menus will need to be planned accordingly and groceries will need to be bought efficiently to avoid 68 unnecessary trips throughout the week and weekly take out. Of course, there will be times when it just has to happen, but for the most part, a little planning can avoid this and help me feel way less stressed on a week to week basis.

I need to become more strict with our budget. Once I start bringing in an income, I need to make sure we’re not letting things slip. Am I the only one who feels like it’s easier to stay on track with the budget when you have less money? I mean, when there’s no money, it’s simple – you can’t buy stuff. But when there is “extra” money (ha, extra?) it’s easy to let loose here and there, and before you know it, you’re living to an entirely new standard. That is exactly what we’re trying to avoid as we don’t want to get too comfortable with the extra income.

I’m going to have to become more efficient with housework. I am considering formulating some kind of weekly routine, where I do a little bit each day. I’ve always been a “housecleaning day” type person – where I spend a day doing the cleaning, but that just may not be possible anymore. In order to avoid going through an entire month before I realize I haven’t cleaned my house, I think I’ll need to set up a chore chart. Eva should be able to start scrubbing toilets or something pretty soon, right?

And the biggest area where I will need to become more efficient and organized, obviously, is with my time. Specifically, naptime and after bedtime. At this point, Eva is still taking 2 solid naps per day. That may start to decrease as we progress through the school year, but for now, I count on that. I tend to get a lot of my stuff done when she’s sleeping. It’s just easier. I can unload the dishwasher in 4 minutes while she’s sleeping but it takes me 40 if she’s tugging on my legs. That being said, though, I do give myself quite a bit of downtime during naps and after she goes to bed in the evening. Especially in the evening … usually I just finish cleaning up the kitchen if it hasn’t been done, put together Evan’s lunch (which I slack on all.the.time) and maybe do a little bit of work out in the garden or something… but usually, I spend a good few hours in the evening on my booty.

I don’t want to get to the point where I am not having any down time –  that’s just not healthy – but realistically, I need to accept the fact that naptimes and evenings will have to be productive if I’m going to stay on top of things. Grading, prep work, chores, paperwork for Evan’s business, cooking and so on will need to be done. And done efficiently at that. I have a feeling when September rolls around I will be relying on my trusty list making system more than I ever have before. Organization and efficiency are what makes me tick and I’m counting on those skills to help me out.

On Work Stuff

Right now, I’m living it up as a SAHM mom to my babe. How long this will last is up in the air, but right now, it’s what I’m doing. For now, here’s our story.

In Canada, women are entitled to one year of paid maternity leave. However, apparently, one has to be working before giving birth in order to receive these benefits. Who made that rule?

Because I was in grad school full time, and only TAing part time when we were blessed with the greatest surprise of our life, I hadn’t worked enough hours to meet the cut off to be eligible for mat leave. So, that being said, while I’m on maternity leave right, I’m not really on maternity leave. I’m on self-appointed maternity leave, if you will. We decided despite the lack of maternity benefits, we felt it was best for me to stay home for at least the first year of Evalyn’s life and decided to make it happen. Shortly before she was born, Evan started a new job and this gave us a little bit of flexibility in that regard.

In January, I returned to work part time (very part time) as a teaching assistant at my university. I was responsible for two seminars. This meant one evening a week I was on campus leading seminars while I was able to do the majority of my other work from home. Between naptimes, bedtime, and Daddy time, it was more than manageable for me to put forth the effort and time necessary for the job. It gave us a little more wiggle room but was just temporary, as the semester ended shortly before Easter.

Until now, I have been making serious use of the denial mechanism when it comes to contemplating what I will be doing when her first year is up. You see, I have a heart to stay home with my baby/ies (because yes, there will be more). I have known since forever that I want to be a SAHM and the small taste of this role that I have had over the past 8ish months has instilled that even further. I believe that God has placed that desire on my heart for a reason and if it is what He wants for our life and for our family, it will work out. Somehow. Right now, though, I just can’t see how.

My plan is to apply for more TA positions in the fall and see, with a few more classes, if we can make it work. If not, I may be looking at finding full time employment – which is another battle in itself, since I have no job to return to. Secretly, I keep hoping that some amazingly flexible opportunity for me to work some and still be home most of the time will land in my lap. But? That is likely not going to happen.

So, friends. Will you pray for me? For us? That we will have the wisdom to make the best decision possible. And … that somehow, someway, the desires of my heart will come to fruition?

Hi, Ho,The Derry-O, It’s Off To Work We Go

The day has arrived.

Today I will return to my job as a Teaching Assistant at my University. After dinner this evening, I will pack up my purse (!!!) and school bag, leave the diaper bag at home, and head to campus to lead two seminars with twenty students each. And I’ll do the same thing each Tuesday night for the next 12 weeks.

Many people have asked me if I’m ready. If I’m looking forward to it. If I’m dreading it. Honestly, I don’t know how to answer that. It is what it is. I’m not eagerly excited for it but I’m also not stewing and stressing over it. It’s happening. And that's that.

I am looking forward to Evalyn having an opportunity to be away from me a few hours a week. I think it will be healthy for us. Thankfully, most of that time she’ll be able to be with her Daddy.

To be honest, this job is so ideal for me right now. Since I wasn’t working full time when I was pregnant, I didn’t qualify for maternity leave. I finished up grad school a few months before she was born so now I have a fresh, unused degree in my pocket. But I’m not ready to go to work full time. Heck, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for that – although it will likely have to happen sometime soon(ish). So for now, this set up is perfect. It enables me to bring in a little extra cash while still spending the majority of time at home with my Little. I will be going to campus one night a week for my seminars and the rest of my work can be done from home. It looks to me as though I’ll be able to keep up with it during nap times, but I also know I have a handful of people to call on if I need an uninterrupted morning to work.

So if you have a minute, send up a little prayer for us (me) today as we start this new endeavour.

The Wheels of Change are Turning

There have been some major decisions and major changes taking place in our household over the past month or so. I have alluded to some of this in some of my posts and tweets. I hate being cryptic in my posts, but there are times when we just have to get stuff off our chests and we can't reveal the details. This was one of those times.

A new opportunity has come to us and, although the decision was far from easy, we have decided to take it.

Today the Fabulous Dude left to go to his very last day of work at the job where he has worked since 7 months before we were wed. On Monday he will begin a new adventure. For those of you who don't know, the FD currently works for the maintenance department for an organization that supports adults with developmental disabilities. The job has been a wonderful opportunity for him, and he has met some great people, but he felt as though there was not enough room to learn and grow.

A few months ago, he was talking about employment with a local contractor who he knows and asked if he ever has extra work that he may be able to do on the side. They briefly chatted about this and went on their way. And then, about a month ago, the same man came to E and asked him if he was interested in looking for a new full time employment opportunity as a sub-contractor for him.

When the Dude came home and told me this, my automatic reaction was "$*%# no!"

I like security. I like comfort. I like familiarity. I like to do things the way we have always done them.

But, I am not the one who got up every morning and went to a job that I was not entirely satisfied with.

For the first little while, the Dude and I could not even discuss the issue as two grown adults because I would find myself curling up into my little shell and crying like a child (see yesterday's post re: out of control hormones and emotions). Eventually, after a great deal of prayer, talking with some of our mentors, and each other - I began to feel a sense of peace about the entire situation.

After weighing the pros and cons of both options, we decided that it was an opportunity that the E should take. The change clearly involves some major benefits and some major risks, which I won't get into here. It is also coming at a time that is crazy and stressful for both of us - a time full of big changes. I completed grad school this week. Our baby is due in 3 months. It's not just us we have to worry about anymore. Big things are happening.

So, while this may be the best decision we have ever made together, it may not be. But, we will find out. I don't believe that God calls us to a life of complacency simply because it is what we are used to. We are confident that the Lord has steered us in this direction and that His hand will continue to guide us. I rest secure in the confidence that He holds us in the palm of His hand.

And yes, this confidence is much easier spoken than lived - despite the fact that I have been feeling a sense of peace about this decision - I cannot say that I have not caught myself worrying and stewing over it a number of times. It is a journey.

My friends, I covet your prayers as we embark on this adventure together as a family - as we adjust to new schedules, new routines, new responsibilities, new challenges, and new rewards.