Enough?

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing enough.

Am I cuddling her enough?

Am I loving her enough?

Am I savouring it enough?

I can’t remember the last time Evalyn has fallen asleep in my arms, aside from if I’m wearing her. It has been weeks. No, probably months. And just last week at church, I came to the sad realization that she is now too big to lay cradled in my pouch sling, which is how she usually slept if we were out and about. If someone had told me when she was sleeping in my arms and when she was cradled in the pouch that it would be the last time, I would have held her a little longer, cuddled a little tighter – enjoyed it a little more.

Last night we were out a little bit past bedtime so when we got home we skipped naked time, bath time and lotion time and went right to bedtime. Since she was so tired it didn’t take her very long to fall asleep while she was nursing. When she was done, she was fast asleep in my arms and so I held her there for a while. I prayed over her and I savoured the weight of a sleeping baby in my arms. When I finally convinced myself to stand up and put her in her crib, about twenty minutes later, I just couldn’t put her down. I held her there a few more minutes – breathing in her precious baby scent, covering her face with kisses – until I finally let her go and placed her in her bed. I watched her sleep for a few minutes, told her I loved her, and hesitantly left the room.

I know all I need to do is blink, and when I open my eyes she won’t be a baby anymore. And when I do? Will I stop and think to myself that I wish I had enjoyed her more?

I sure hope the answer is no.