Friday, February 11, 2011

Enough?

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing enough.

Am I cuddling her enough?

Am I loving her enough?

Am I savouring it enough?

I can’t remember the last time Evalyn has fallen asleep in my arms, aside from if I’m wearing her. It has been weeks. No, probably months. And just last week at church, I came to the sad realization that she is now too big to lay cradled in my pouch sling, which is how she usually slept if we were out and about. If someone had told me when she was sleeping in my arms and when she was cradled in the pouch that it would be the last time, I would have held her a little longer, cuddled a little tighter – enjoyed it a little more.

Last night we were out a little bit past bedtime so when we got home we skipped naked time, bath time and lotion time and went right to bedtime. Since she was so tired it didn’t take her very long to fall asleep while she was nursing. When she was done, she was fast asleep in my arms and so I held her there for a while. I prayed over her and I savoured the weight of a sleeping baby in my arms. When I finally convinced myself to stand up and put her in her crib, about twenty minutes later, I just couldn’t put her down. I held her there a few more minutes – breathing in her precious baby scent, covering her face with kisses – until I finally let her go and placed her in her bed. I watched her sleep for a few minutes, told her I loved her, and hesitantly left the room.

I know all I need to do is blink, and when I open my eyes she won’t be a baby anymore. And when I do? Will I stop and think to myself that I wish I had enjoyed her more?

I sure hope the answer is no.

8 comments:

Katie~Loves Of Life said...

Beautiful. This happened to me a few nights ago. She woke up at 11...instead of being annoyed, I just nursed her, held her, she fell asleep in my arms..I just sat there with her cuddled up to my face, praying for her, and snuggled her little sleepy self....I cried. Yep. Totally cried. Happy, overwhelmed with love tears.

You're a good momma.

Lindsey said...

Love this! I do that every time I put Connor to sleep. Rock him a little longer, then I stand by his crib and rock him some more, kiss his precious forehead, lay him down, pat his butt, smell him one more time then leave. Then I am back in there before I go to bed making sure he is comfortable.

Laura said...

Precious! I am sure that little girl loves your snuggles no matter how big she's getting. She'll always be your little one! :)

Ashley Paige said...

I love this post, L.. LOVE it. I try to remind myself every day that these moments aren't going to last forever. Yesterday, C fell asleep on my shoulder while I was up and about on the phone with my Mom. I hung up the phone and rather than lay him in his crib, I laid on the couch with him for over an hour.. just tickling my lips with his soft baby hair, smelling his little baldie head.. he's such an awesome, amazing creation and it's SO easy to let that thought slip away caught up in the every day.. "stuff." thank you for this post!!

Mrs.LifeAccounts said...

Is it ever enough? They grow so fast, you blink and they're not a baby anymore, all grown up! I think you'll always looks back and treasure these moments and memories! :)

Meg said...

Well, I'd love to tell you that you'll never feel that way, but honestly, no matter how much you do snuggle them, it never feels enough when you watch them grow. The upside is, that you won't ever forget those snuggles, those kisses, and those "us" moments. And you get to make more as they grow. There is something equally magical and special as you hold a conversation with your child, as you watch them venture out into the world, and as you see them look at you with a gleam in their eyes as they conquer things on their own. So, snuggle that babe, kiss her softly, and remember that one day all of that love you give her now, will make her be one awesome woman one day. She is one blessed little girl.

Brittany Ann said...

This stuff makes me cry. Because even though she's not born, I already feel like this baby's growing up! I'm worried that they only stay in my womb, kicking, for so long. That they're only little-little for so long. That they're babies for only so long.

I don't any of them to grow up! I'm gonna miss all of this! And she's not even here yet!

Kar said...

So Sweet!
That feeling never seems to go away for me! Lil K will be 10 next month...
You are a wonderful Mommy and Eva knows it!