I have had one nasty case of the January blues lately. And I’m not talking the normal “boo hoo wah wah Christmas is over and the weather is yucky” kind of thing. This year, my blues have been the real deal.
We have been tossing around sickness at our house – from Evalyn, to Evan, to me, and repeat, repeat, repeat. We’ve been working on establishing a more solid naptime routine. The weather has been icky. We were down to one vehicle for a few weeks. The Monkey has had some rough nights. I’ve been exhausted. And so on and so on and so on. All sorts of things that have kept me in the house for days on end.
When Eva was a newborn, I had a few super emo days but I don’t think that the oft talked about ‘baby blues’ hit me very hard. Until it was January and she was almost 4 months old. And then the blues commenced. I have been lazy. I have been sad. I have been supah sensitive. I have been all together feeling sorry for myself. I told Evan more than one time that I just did not like this funk that I was in – yet I was doing nothing to get myself out of it. I was lacking motivation in a bad way.
On the weekend, I took a look at how I’d spent the past few weeks since we got home from Christmas holidays. And I realized that aside from one trip to campus to meet with a professor, Evalyn and I had not left the house on our own – at all. We went out for a few minutes occasionally in the evening as a family and I went grocery shopping with C once, but other than that, we were literally at home all day every day for nearly two weeks straight. At one point, I spent five days straight in my house.
I kept telling myself that tomorrow would be the day that we would get out and do something. And then tomorrow would come. And I’d take a look outside at the snow on the ground and think that it was just easier to stay at home. Yet, I’d complain about feeling cooped up and stuck inside.
That is so not like me. I am a homebody, but I also like (read: need) to get out fairly often or else I go stir crazy. And I realize that with a young baby that’s not always possible. But before Christmas? We always made it happen.
And to be honest? This funk that I have been in did a number on my confidence as a mother. I began to think that I wasn’t getting out with her on my own during the day because I couldn’t. Because I didn’t know how to manage myself, and a baby, and a stroller, and keys, and my wallet, and a diaper bag, and, and, and…
Sure, I know that I’ve figured out how to handle the day to day stuff with her at home.
Most days I can get both of us cleaned and dressed, I can do the dishes and laundry, I can get dinner on the table – but for some reason, I had myself convinced that I couldn’t go places with her because I just couldn’t manage.
I decided this week that this needed to change. For realz. On Tuesday morning I took Evalyn to her Doctor’s appointment. In the afternoon, since it had warmed up a fair bit, we went out for a little stroll down the road and back. On Wednesday, I went over to a friend’s place for lunch and spent the afternoon there. Today, I packed us up and headed to the mall where I grabbed some Thai for lunch and then wandered around a few of my favourite stores.
And I was amazed.
I was amazed how a quick doctor visit, a walk outside, a visit with a friend, and some (oh so glorious) retail therapy boosted my confidence and reminded me that I can do it.
I can get her to the doctor and back on my own. I can comfort her after she gets her shots. I can go out to visit friends. I can carry a tray of food in one hand and push a stroller with the other. I can try on clothes with my babe in the stroller beside me in the change room. I can do all those things.
I can rock this mom thang.
And I will rock it, thank you very much.