the (new, and extremely wishful) rules of motherhood

I hereby declare  this day, the 25th of October, 2012 that these shall stand as the (new) rules of motherhood:

1. Any mother driving with an infant, toddler or child who is sleeping in the vehicle may disregard all rules of traffic requiring her to stop. This means red lights, stop signs and other such disturbances will not be applicable to her.

2. A day filled with poor, limited or no naps at all shall guarantee a uninterrupted, full night sleep without any disturbances.

3. A pacifier shall never, under any circumstance, fall out of a sleeping babe’s mouth, causing him/her to wake.

4. A baby shall be able to speak when necessary – in order to tell his/her mother what it is that ails him/her and whether or not sleep patterns (or lack thereof) are a result of something that the mother has done differently or are a coincidence.

5. All mothers shall be granted unlimited sick days to be used at her discretion. On such days, children shall feed and clothe themselves, diapers shall change themselves and dishes shall wash themselves.

6. Coffee shall flow freely into the mouths of mothers without any preparation or delay. She shall simply open her mouth and it shall be filled with coffee.

7. All cookies, cakes, chocolate, potato chips and any such “junk food” shall be calorie free and shall assist in making the mother’s baby weight fall off.

8. Houses shall never get dirty.

9. No one, infant, child, adult or otherwise shall be permitted, under any circumstance to rise before the hour of 8 am.

10. Babies shall slow down and stop growing so fast.