she sees love

Sometimes at the end of the day, I look back on my task of mothering and think I just didn’t do a very good job. Sometimes, I think I’m agitated more than I’m patient. That I’m distracted more than I’m present. That I’m angry more than I’m happy. That I’m exhausted more than I’m energetic. And the list goes on.

Lately, we’ve been having more of those kind of days than I care to admit.

But, yesterday, my sweet first born, in all of her two years of wisdom, taught me a very important, very humbling lesson. She taught me this lesson while she was playing with her babies. One of her favourite pastimes.

You see, the thing that’s neat and special about watching my baby play with her babies is that I know she’s doing more than just pretending. She’s role playing, she’s mimicking, she’s modeling what she sees when she thinks about mothering. And to me, this is more meaningful to me than any other make believe game – like cooking, or grocery shopping, or fixing things. Because her understanding of the values of motherhood? They come from me. I am her mother. The only mother she has. I am what she duplicates when she mothers her babies. Her little two year old understanding of what it means for a mommy to love her baby … that shows me what she sees in me.

So, yesterday morning, I was humbled and brought to tears when she picked up one of her babies and began rocking, cradling, shushing and nursing it. She got up off the couch, walked around the room bouncing with her baby, tapping her on the back and said, “Oh, my baby. You my lover. You my sweetie. You my lover. You so special. You a good girl. I yuv you, my sweet bear”.

Of course, this isn’t the first time I’ve witnessed her express endearment and nurturance to her dolls, but for some reason, yesterday it knocked me off my feet.

Because it made me realize that even on days that are filled moments lacking patience, grace, fun and energy… even on these days – she looks at me, her mother – and she sees love.