Tomorrow I will be starting the first day of my grad program and I am nervous! I mean, butterfly in my tummy, not sure I'll sleep tonight nervous. I can't seem to find the reason for this. I am returning to the same school I received my undergraduate degree from and I will be continuing in the same department as well. I know the ins and outs of the University and the department. Yet, I am still nervous.
I often struggle with anxiety like this. I think I seek out things to worry about or something. Not good, I know. Sometimes I feel a sense of nervousness and anxiety in my stomach and I have to stop and ask myself, "Okay, what could possibly be bothering me?" Usually I determine that it is nothing, or something relatively close to nothing.
Worry plagues me. I might even say that it is one of my worst struggles. I worry about money, school, work, my husband, my family, my marriage, my housework, my dog, the corns on my feet, my plans, other people's plans, my kids (that I don't even have yet), other people's kids, my dinner plans, the unfolded laundry, the phone conversation I am going to have later, the car payment, the broken hamper and on and on it goes. Okay, so some of those things might be an exaggeration - I don't actually worry about the corns on my feet but you get the point. I worry TOO MUCH! I worry about things that I need not worry about ... things I do not have control over (as much as I like to think that I should have control over them).
Sometimes I find it difficult to draw the line between having a healthy concern over the well-being of myself and those I love and worrying constantly about everything in my life. For example, I often worry excessively about our financial situation (although I have progressively gotten better at this over the course of our marriage). On the one hand, I convince myself that if I didn't have any sense to keep track of our finances and manage our money responsibly then we could potentially be in a bad way. On the other hand, I have witnessed God provide for us time and time again in situations where I had been worrying about how we were going to afford something or manage to get by on what we had available to us. You see the problem? I worry about how I am going to handle my life. I don't trust that God will guide me, provide for me, and keep constant care over me despite the fact that every single time I am in a situation "worth worrying about" He blesses me abundantly. I think it is possible to be organized, responsible and on top of things without being a worry wart. I am praying that I will be able to find this balance and trust God in all circumstances, letting go of the worry that weighs me down. I am trying to think of it this way - the more worry and anxiety I let in to my heart and mind, the less space there is for God in there.
Okay, so when I began this post it was entitled "Grad School" and now it has turned in to something very different. Instead of simply letting you all know that I'm starting a new program tomorrow I have reflected upon the sin in my life and reminded myself of the goodness of my Lord in all circumstances.
And, guess what? I don't feel anxious about school anymore. I will have to remember to look back on this post next time I am fretting over earthly matters.